How To Fix Everything

We must have a :

• full public enquiry,
• an independent judicial review,
• a select committee report,
• an internal review,
• an external preview,
• a police investigation
• a poll of Daily Mail readers
• a Twitter hashtag
• a text exchange with a representative of Rupert Murdoch

to work out which of the above options is the most effective in getting things sorted out. Then we need one of those into everything else:

• the banking crisis
• politicians
• journalists
• supermarkets
• Lords reform
• the Euro
• the omission of David Beckham from the Olympic team
• the omission of Seb Coe from the Olympic team
• why an event devoted to sporting excellence, physical activity and health has a giant Macdonalds in the middle of the site.
• why Andy Murray only ever gets to the semis at Wimbledon
• the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey
• who ate all the pies?
• the weather
• where be yon blackbird to? (an ancient Somerset riddle)

and then everything will be fine. The British public demand it, and we won't settle for anything less.